- In everyday conversations, the proportion of actual facts is surprisingly low. Most of what people exchange isn’t information but opinions—or more precisely, expectation gaps. For example, saying “This singer has won music awards” is a fact, but saying “This singer’s music is terrible” is an opinion. What it really means is, “This singer’s music didn’t meet my expectations.”
- Practice converting opinions into facts.
- Instead of saying, “Ew, durian tastes disgusting!”, try saying, “Wow, I really can’t get used to durian!”
- I once saw a brilliant analogy about rejecting someone romantically. Instead of saying, “He’s not my type,” imagine saying, “He’s a great dish, but I’m already full right now.” Notice the difference? The first is an opinion; the second is a gentle fact. People often assume that facts are cold and emotionless—but true facts are often the kindest form of expression.
- The assumptions you make shape your interactions.
- If you assume goodwill, you respond with openness.
- If you assume bad intentions, you become defensive.
- Either way, your assumption influences the reality that follows.
- Self-fulfilling perceptions
- Internal assumptions shape external interactions.
- External interactions then reinforce those assumptions.
- Example: “I knew it! They like/dislike me!”—this belief then affects future behavior, creating a loop.
First-Level vs. Second-Level Predictions
- In the real world, we make two types of predictions:
- First-level predictions are neutral—they don’t influence outcomes.
- Second-level predictions shape reality itself.
- In communication, our assumptions influence our interactions, which in turn shape how others respond to us.
- I believe in the power of communication.
- I believe that goodwill can be cultivated.
- I believe that assuming others have good intentions ultimately benefits yourself.
- A skilled strategist doesn’t rely on lucky moves—they win through a complete game plan.
Maturity in Communication
- Mature people focus on “What are my options now?”
- Immature people focus on “What should I do?”
- Acceptance creates likability.
- If you can accept something, it ceases to be a problem.
- The inability to accept something is the problem.
Transparency vs. Consistency
- Transparency isn’t about speaking recklessly.
- Calling someone an “idiot” isn’t transparency—it’s avoidance.
- Complaining, blaming, and arguing often serve as a disguise—a way to avoid admitting your own true needs and expectations.
- The real issue is often left unsaid.
- Not expressing your real thoughts = lack of transparency.
- Saying one thing but meaning another = lack of consistency.
- Effective communication happens when words, intentions, and emotions align.
On Rejection and Emotional Trust
- Trusting yourself means accepting that you might hurt others.
- Instead of fearing conflict, trust that you have enough value for others to forgive the hurt you might cause.
- Fear of rejection is a lack of trust.
- Rejection protects relationships.
- People fear causing pain, but avoiding rejection leads to deeper resentment.
- The real danger isn’t rejection—it’s unspoken bitterness that builds over time.
- We tend to like the people we’ve helped—especially when they later show gratitude, confirming our belief that they were worth helping.
- “Dare to ask. Dare to be refused.”
- Social confidence isn’t just about talking to people—it’s about accepting goodwill.
- Accept kindness.
- Acknowledge curiosity.
- Give people the chance to connect with you.
Emotions Are Part of Communication
- Emotions are a reflection of desires.
- Anxiety, anger, frustration, resentment—these all signal an unmet desire.
- If someone talks about a topic with zero emotion, they either don’t care or aren’t invested in it.
- People in power can afford to ignore communication.
- The powerless, however, must work harder to be understood.
- The more you need support, the more you must communicate.
- If you want someone to listen or change, you must recognize that they also have the power to refuse.
- This power dynamic is why persuasion can feel frustrating—but it’s also why communication matters.
- Communication isn’t just for others—it’s a chance to understand yourself.
Fear of Public Speaking & Self-Perception
- Many people fear public speaking because they can’t handle being laughed at.
- They mistake laughter as an attack, rather than simply as amusement.
- Instead of mastering speaking techniques, work on making your inner world more:
- Authentic
- Kind
- Flexible
- Transparent
- Accepting
- Because ultimately, the key isn’t how you start speaking—it’s who you are after you open your mouth.
- 在人们的日常交流中，“事实”所占的比例，其实非常非常低。大家说来说去，真正在交换的，只是各自的评价。或者，说得更直白一点，都是各自期待的落差。就像，我说某歌手得过音乐奖，这是事实，但我说某歌手的歌好难听，这是评价。意思是，某歌手的歌，没有达到我（对歌曲）的期待。
- 练习把评价转换成事实。比如，instead of saying “哇，榴莲好难吃啊！”， say “哇，我实在吃不惯！”
- 就像我曾看到过一个关于拒绝别人感情的例子，说的是：“他是个好吃的，可惜我现在是饱的。”有没有感觉到，差别很大？前者是评价。后者，则是一个特别温柔的事实。是的，别被那些常见的形容词骗了。别老说事实是“冰冷的”。并不是这样。真正的事实，反倒最温柔。
- 善意假设下，选择接纳；恶意假设下，选择防御。而假设改变真实。
- 内心假设，透过外在互动，塑造了他人的看法。他人的看法，又透过反馈，印证了一开始的内心假设。“我猜得果然没错，对方是喜欢/讨厌我的！”因而下次，人们便会更用力地，拥抱原本那个假设。
- 一级预测与二级预测。
- 真实世界中，我们对外界的预测，可以分成两种。
- 第一种，被称为一级预测，指的是预测过程，本身不影响事件结果。另一种，被称为二级预测，则恰恰相反。指的是事件结果，会明显受到预测过程的影响。
- 人的态度，是由互动产生的。抱着什么样的假设，就会产生什么样的互动。这种效应，在人际沟通中，特别明显。
- 我始终相信，沟通的威力。我相信，善意是可以创造的。我更相信，一个以假设对方心怀善意为前提的沟通。最终获益的，会是自己。
- 善弈者，通盘无妙手。
- 成熟的人谈问题，沟通的重点，是“还能怎么选”；
- 不成熟的人谈问题，沟通的重点，是“我该怎么做”
- 学会接纳；能接纳，就会变得讨喜；不能接纳的，才叫问题。
- 透明与一致
- 透明，意思不是说话肆无忌惮。你觉得对方是王八蛋，就骂他‘王八蛋’……这并不是透明。且恰恰相反，那些埋怨、指责与辩护，它们在沟通中的作用，其实更像是一种掩饰。这些掩饰的目的，是可以让你，不用面对真正的自己——让你不用当着对方的面，坦诚自己的期待、委屈与索取。而后者，往往才是你真正想说，却没说出口的（讽刺的是，你却希望对方能自行解读出来）。真正想说的，不说，就是“不透明”。实际说出口的，跟想的不一样，就是“不一致”。也就是在过程中，要尽力让你外在的语言，与内在的目标、期待、感受与纠结，都保持一致。
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- 要相信自己，可以伤感情。
- 比起不伤感情，人们真正该有的观念，应该是：我相信我有足够的价值，能让对方，“包容”我所造成的伤害。
- 怕伤感情，是一种不信任。
- 拒绝，才是真正地保护关系。
- 人与人之间，怕伤害，才会造成真伤害。
- 比起“拒绝”所造成的伤害，真正的伤害叫“积怨”。
- 怕被拒绝；怕显得自己无能；怕让对方困扰。那些你眼中，别人的顾虑。都是你心中，对别人的评价。
- 是的，我们都会更倾向于，喜欢那些自己曾帮助过的人。尤其是，当我们发现：
- 对方印证了我们的判断，在事后，展现了谢意。
- “勇于索取，能被拒绝。”
- 所谓的社交牛人症，不是勇于到处攀谈，而是勇于接受好意。去接受别人的好意，去回应别人的好奇。让那些对你感兴趣的人，有机会融入你。
- 情绪，就是沟通的内容。
- 因为情绪，是欲望的体现。不管哪个情绪，是焦虑、愤怒、委屈还是不甘心……只要有欲望，就会有情绪。相反，如果谈起某事，一个人可以毫无波澜，毫无情绪。那我们可以说他冷静。但也可以说。他对这件事，没有那么在乎。
- 情绪的作用，就是用来表达那些无法被言语描述的需求。
- 有权力的一方，是可以选择“不沟通”的。
- 没权力的一方，才急于沟通。
- 当你需要对方支持，需要对方理解……
- 需要说服对方，为你改变观念的时候。
- 他们就因此，有了不支持、不理解、不改变的权力。这些权力，会让你觉得痛苦，觉得挫败。但一切，都是你自己给出去的。
- 沟通，是为了让人有机会了解自己
- 把自己，揭露给自己看。实际去看看：那个自己最担心的现实，有没有那么严重？
- 表达犹如地面行，思考就像天上飞。你大脑以为知道的，与你实际上真正知道的，有极大的落差。这恰恰，正是人们在说话时，会突然觉得嘴笨的原因。因为那一刻，你脑中的自行车，要落地了。
- 人比起被外界伤害，他们更多是在被自己的想象折磨。
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- 真正误解自己的声音是什么样的，不是别人。正是我们自己。
- 换言之，我们不能要求别人——只要你听到的东西，跟我脑子里的版本不一样，就叫作“你误解我了”。这个要求既不公平，也不合理。
- 不要轻易把自己，当成受害者。
- 在沟通中，我们要学着把问题拿回来。
- 误解，不是属于别人的问题，而是属于我的问题。是我的表达，还不够清楚，还有进步空间。而这些，都是可以通过自身努力，去解决的。
- 责任，在我身上。权力，才会在我手上。
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- 至于那些很怕上台、很怕说错话的人。另一种可能，就是他很不能接受自己被取笑。很容易把别人的笑声，视为一种攻击。
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- 我会劝你，与其把力气，放在说话技巧，倒不如让自己的内在世界，变得更加真实、善意、灵活、透明与接纳。就像我前面篇章中，所建议的那样。因为真正的重点，不在于如何开口。而是开口之后—我们将会用一个什么样的内在世界，与外在世界碰撞。
