In his book Consolations, the essayist and poet David Whyte observed that the ultimate touchstone of friendship “is not improvement, neither of the other nor of the self, the ultimate touchstone is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another, to have walked with them and to have believed in them, sometimes just to have accompanied them for however brief a span, on a journey impossible to accomplish alone.”
I’m writing this to record a little bit about my recent life and appreciate my friend Zixuan’s support.
Recently, I’ve pushed my limits in unhealthy ways. Last week, I averaged just 3 hours of sleep per night. During the film festival the week before, I went nearly 48 hours without sleep or proper food. I was juggling multiple tasks, taking photos for two film friends during their screenings, and dealing with a groupmate who ghosted me on a class project, forcing me to rework my schedule entirely.
After pulling an all-nighter, I hit a breaking point, but still had back-to-back classes and a research meeting. I usually focus on the work itself and don’t care much about recognition, but after all the works I had done, I desperately wished someone could see what I was going through. That’s when dinner with Zixuan became my only real break. He looked at me and simply said, “You look exhausted. You’ve been working so hard.” In that instant, I felt overwhelmed, vulnerable, emotional, and deeply moved. He says he’s not good with words, that he’s the kind of person who kills conversations, but the truth is, he has a soft heart and always tries to comfort others. I don’t usually need comfort from anyone, but his presence made me feel safe. Just sitting there, talking about everyday things, gave me a kind of strength I hadn’t realized I needed. I also just realized that I was extremely vulnerable in that afternoon.
He called my work a masterpiece. I don’t fully agree. I think the work is good, and I did pour a lot into it, but time spent doesn’t always equal quality, especially in art. Sometimes you can work endlessly and still end up with something terrible. Still, I really appreciated his words.
That Sunday, we had dinner and drinks, and ended up talking until 2 a.m. in a park. He opened up about his past, his relationships, his struggles. I shared a lot too. It was a perfect night.
Honestly I impressed myself a little bit that day. After drinking until 2 a.m., I got home at 2:30, showered, slept at 2:40, and woke up at 6 with a hangover and stomachache. Then:
– 6–9 a.m.: project work
– 9–12:50: sculpture studio
– 1–2: research meeting
– 2:10–4:50: class
– 5–8 p.m.: lab experiments
No one could tell I was running on fumes. It was insane.
Our working ethics: (I also went on bed at 5.40 and then woke up at 9)
One of the best comments I received from my work:
One thing about being busy is that I feel very much alive. But yeah in the future I definitely will not sacrifice my health and sleep that much.
